Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
