did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Randomize
