I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
