I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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