sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
