He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
