The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
