i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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