Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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