Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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