I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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