Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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