Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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