I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
