worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
