A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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