You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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