I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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