I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
