just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
