I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
