can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
