no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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