Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
