new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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