Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
