mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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