why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
