Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
