Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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