well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
