My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
