The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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