No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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