I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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