I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
