i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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