I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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