Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
