It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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