I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
