I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
