Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
