Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
