I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....