one might say we're banned from that church
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.