who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now