she woke up with a sticky ear
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Life without a bra equals bliss.