when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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