Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
