Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
