tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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