She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
