and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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