The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
