look no pants
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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