I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
