I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
