Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you never un-have a 4some
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
